My Journey of Self-Love: It ain't no walk in the park
It’s taken me a while to get here. What I mean is that, if you had to ask me 2 years ago, If I would ever take a selfie, in front of a mirror, in a bather, I would never have believed it or had the guts to do it. I didn’t love myself, if anything, I hated myself. I hated my body, I hated that when it got really hot, my thighs would chaff, I hated that I couldn’t look or rather, wouldn’t at myself in a full body mirror, I hated that I couldn’t walk for 5 minutes without my ankles hurting or fatigue setting in, I hated the fact that my stomach looked like a warzone, as if someone had come with a whip and whipped me 900 times across my abdomen. I hated the fact that because of those stretch marks, I would get nervous at the thought of changing for P.E. The bullying contributed too, I will never forget the day I was called pregnant by girls a few years older than me. I felt sick to my stomach. I was only 12. I hated the fact that boys would never talk to me the way that they spoke to my friends. I hated the fact that when my friends took group photos, I would volunteer to take the picture instead of being in it, for fear of seeing myself look like the giant monster that I was.
It got to a point where I would cry myself to sleep at night, where I wouldn’t want to wake up the next morning. My coping mechanism was (and still is, to a certain extent) food and that only exacerbated the problem. I found myself in deep, dark hole. One that I couldn’t seem to get out of. My glass was constantly half empty, if not empty. I hated my body, I hated myself and I hated who I had become. I felt worthless, so so incredibly worthless. I felt as if I had no purpose here, no talents, nothing that made me special.
That was 2 years ago. It was by no means, 730 days of easy breezy self-loving sailing. I didn’t just wake up one day and decide, enough with this self-hatred, time to love yourself…I wish, I only wish that it was that easy. It was sheer hell in the beginning, forcing myself to look at my body in that mirror, stretch marks and all. Trying to love a body you hate, is like trying to love someone who you know you don’t love but at the same time, you realize that they deserve better. It was a twisted arranged marriage –my body and I. Overtime, it became easier, I made an active decision to lose weight because I thought that my weight was the thing that was holding me back, making me ugly and I was tired of being the fat kid. What I didn’t realize, was that I was the only one holding me back, it wasn’t my weight. It was me.
All me – not loving myself meant that I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t back myself. My weight didn’t make me ugly – you can be fat, curvy, thin, tall, short and you can still be beautiful, a lesson I have only learnt as of recently.
I am not going to tell you that, after 2 years, I am finally at peace with my body, because I am not. Self-love is a process and trying to love yourself, in a world that tells you not to, is hella difficult, I mean would beauty companies even exist, if we all loved ourselves, wholeheartedly and completely? The world, especially the business world, feeds off our insecurities – to the point where they think that its okay to induce body dysmorphia because of their advertising campaigns and our desire to look like that incredibly thin, svelte girl who hasn’t eaten for 5 days. That is why, Ashley Graham and Tabria are such icons of our time, embracing all they are, thereby empowering us to do the same.
My self-love journey is an ongoing process, yes I am not at peace with my body but I certainly do not hate myself, like I did two years ago. I am able to acknowledge my flaws and realise that, those flaws are what makes me, me and embrace it. Many people see me today and think that I lead a prefect life, when that is possibly so far from the truth. But hey, the journey makes all the pain and suffering worth it right?
Finally, If you are reading this and you can relate, please know that you are not alone, you are never alone but continue to do the best that you can, be the best that you can be , because you are so incredibly beautiful and I hope that you never forget that.